Bournville Results and Xmas Fun Prize - Open to the USA only.

Bournville did indeed happen. The racing was good, the weather cold and the meeting afterwards very productive.

Unfortunately the meeting went on for long enough for our kind hosts from Bournville to be whirling their car keys like maracas by the time it was over and we decided to postpone calculation of the results to the next day. The Calculating Gnomes of Wednesbury, West Bromwich and Solihull duly ground into action, jousting with their guessing sticks and vice versa. In the fullness of time, a superb set of results was produce, so good indeed that they could be set before a king. Although folk in the West Midlands (and even the Black Country) are in no way lacking in their loyalty to their sovereign majesty, there was a vague notion that actually submitting them to the Crown might not be fully appreciated and, further, that they ran the risk of being left to one of the 57 Royal Corgis – which has proved important in the past. The Lord Chancellor’s foot was considered briefly, but we finally settled on the Royal Snail as the most appropriate means of delivery.

I don’t know what you foreigners know about the Royal Snail, but he is a remarkable animal. What could be more appropriate for delivering Footy results than an animal with only one foot? That is the up-side. The downside is that he is getting on a bit. He was born and in business as member of the Royal household even before the birth of the United States. Indeed, the existence of the latter has much to do with the Royal Snail. Not too-bright at the best of times, this egregious mollusc succeeded in delivering the invitations to one of George III’s tea parties quite incorrectly: they were supposed to go to Boston, Lincolnshire (not so far from Framingham) but were actually sent to Boston, Mass (no, please don’t ask me to spell it), where it is believed that the Royal Snail may have been in love with a salamander called Gerry. He kept his job purely because he could never be wrong-footed.

This time the Royal Snail has excelled himself. He has gone AWOL. There are allegations of SIW, that he has actually shot himself (or the Lord Chancellor) in the Foot or that has has been forced to go to school. Others point out that the poor old thing has probably lost his way: no snail trains have followed in the tracks of the one-time Irish Snail for years, although Princess Elizabeth was seen going that way not so long ago. Be that as it may, no results have been received at the Ogerhorst in the mountain fastnesses of Colwyn Bay. They remain totally enshrouded in mystery. A new set are promised ASAP.

In other words, the results have got lost in the post but should be here tomorrow. Apologies.

And now for some Xmas fun. A bottle of decent whisky to the American who can give the most enlightening or entertaining explanation of this piece of Brit clap-trap by 23 Dec 2007. Decoding, humour, whatever – take your pick!


good luck gentlemen, my guess? you’ll not get the whiskey… ol’ angus used it all up in the writing of above tome.:stuck_out_tongue:

I said whisky, not whiskey!. You’re elligible too as far as I’m concerned Barrett!

But in the mean time you impugn my honour sir! Shall it be spinnaker poles or laminating rollers? Name your second!


my dear man, i must protest! for a true duel of men, i must suggest caulking guns at close range!

as for being elligable, i thank you sir, i shall attempt to warm my wit in preparation for an attempt, as i do not trust my luck at trying to decipher your “old world” speech!:smiley:

Here, Sir, is a biscuit which you take for circumlocutory persiflage!

floundering in your verbal wake

Help - help, my Spellchecker’s just blown-up . . . . .


Here’s my entry:

“We were too busy bulls**tting at the pond to add up the scores, so somebody promised to add them up and mail them. He didn’t, and used the old ‘lost in the mail’ trick to buy himself an extra couple days.”


Doug, are you accusing Angus of comitting the “first great lie”??

btw, do we know that the 4th great lie is
“we’re from head office, and we’re here to help you”

I fear that the Snail Angus refers to may well have been influenced by the performance of my Footy’s pilot, who certainly caused RAV-the-razor to display gastropodic tendencies


Ok, I’ll have a shot at it. Let’s run it through my Brit to English translator…

Bournville arrived indeed. It is functioned well, in continuation it cold very productive and meeting. Malheuresement the meeting enough with along went for our pleasant hosts of Bournville their keys of the car the which maracas which are turned for the moment in which same while being interested and we decided the giorno according to calculates results for placing after. By calculating Gnomes van Wednesbury, Bromwich in west and Solihull which is ground considerably in action, which with them to presuppose interferes jousting and viceversa. The volheid of time, an extraordinary range causes indeed this smell which it good turn of businesses, which could be laid out of a king, was. Even if to populate in the Midlands in west (and even in the black country) in any fashion they are difettando of in their allegiance to their majesty sovereign, it y it had a vague term which of effects to entirely present them at the higher part could be appreciated and, later on, that they risk went for to one of 57 real Corgis in gambo of operation - which in the important last one appeared. The foot of the chancellor of signore briefly was considered, but we regulated final on real snail like majority of resources adatte of supply. Weet that not foreigners with regard to the real weet of snail, but it you are a considerable animal. What more I does it adapt to provide results Footy then could an animal with only one foot could be? That the higher part is. Downside are that it obtains on a beetje. Era born and in the matter the which member of the real family even since his birth of plain Declares. The existence of the last facts sign must, while it arrives, makes much with real snail. The ook-helder with the bests of the periods rather, this mollusc unqualifiable succeeded it is not found that it provides the invitations for one of party of the tea of George III: erano presupposed to bind the barrel, I became in Lincolnshire (this remote direction with Framingham) do not go but of effects they transmitted Al barrel LED mazzo, mass (, does not ask me does not request), period when it is believed that the real snail nell’ amore with a salamander was possible was Gerry made sign. It maintained pure relative work because possible it was never found - paid. This time the real snail one is elevé. AWOL went. There relative the declaration of SIW, that from of effects it even (or signore Kanselier) came from the foot or of these they are obliged must inform go. Others indicate that the old defective thing lost probable the relative fashion: no slaktreinen followed in the tracks produced of on commission irlandese the snail much of years, even if prince Elizabeth who goes this fashion it there to were not thus lengthily visa. Either that since is possible aucuns results in Ogerhorst in the bergfastnesses of the Colwyn bay was received. They remain total enshrouded in the geheimzinnigheid. A new range dice that possible is promised.

Well…I can’t see any changes. I guess he was using English after all. I did get the reference to Massachusetts’ Lt. Gov. Gerry, the man that created voting districts that looked like a salamander crawling across the state. Gerrymandering. The remaining text is probably just commenting on the myriad of creatures inhabiting his bellybutton lint.


Now, if you’d tried the Canadian postal service, the whole explanation could have been reduced to a simple “Huh?”

The explanation of this problem is really quite simple–it lies with the mail sorter and his boss. You see when he applied for the job the supervisor told him that he had to ask him only 2 questions at the interview. First, were you ever in the service?–reply Yes I was in the army for 3 years. The supervisor stated that that would go a long way to getting the job. Secondly, were you ever injured?-reply Yes I was in a morter attack and lost my testicles. The supervisor hired him on the spot. The applicant was told the hours were 8AM to 4PM and that he should report for work tomarrow at 10AM. The applicnt seemed confused and asked that if the hours were 8-4 why was he to come in at 10. The supervisor told him that they normally stand around scrattching their n-ts for two hours in the morning so he didnt have to show up for that! It is because of this that the results will follow along SOMETIME–God bless the ROYAL MAIL.

…much twiddling of thumbs